"Catch-22"
Many of you know that I continue to wrestle with thoughts of terminating my chemotherapy. The prime issue is Quality of Life. But what do I mean when I say Quality of Life (QoL)? For me, QoL encompasses many facets of daily life. Perhaps the highest priority for me is a feeling of self worth and contribution. Freedom of choice, social interaction along with unencumbered daily activities each make it to my QoL top ten. Self worth and contribution derive primarily from my career. I am exceptionally fortunate to work with an organization of amazing people and professionals. Throughout my association with this company and the people that comprise it, I have experienced the highest degree of professional and personal care and concern. They are more than tolerant of the interruptions to my working day imposed by my choice to receive chemotherapy. I feel that I have used up sufficient considerations, with regard to absenteeism, to last for several decades. Yet my direct supervisor remains supportive and tolerant. Why, is beyond me. In my entire working life, I have rarely taken sick time. I simply do not believe in "sick days" for me. The past five months are a huge source of frustration. Furthermore, I believe that my performance fell below my acceptable standards, due to the chemo. This causes me to feel that I am cheating my employer and supervisor. This bothers me enormously. Working, stretching my mind to solve new problems is a very real and effective therapy for me. Physical and mental health indicators improve while I am working, but stabilize or deteriorate when I am not. Should I arrive at a point when that is no longer available to me, then little else matters. Chemo takes that away. Anyone who knows me, knows this as a fact. So why the title, Catch-22? Since making known my health issues, a number of disturbing changes have occurred. First, other employees have stopped calling after hours for support. After hours support is a vanguard of good service. I am certain, that is in deference to my "situation", what ever that may be. There seems to be an increasing reluctance to raise support issues. People should not deal with me or the support group any differently than they would have a year ago. As a professional group, the management of our company is bound to protect its on-going business interests. As a professional, I understand and fully support all such decisions. One such decision concerns succession planning. Quite rightly, the company has asked me to hire an assistant for our department. How does that sit with me? Frankly, not very well. I understand the "rightness" of this action. Nevertheless, I feel it is an indicator that I am letting the company down. I believe that the impact of chemotherapy side effects on my job performance has escalated the decision to proceed with the hiring process. Were it not that, then one may reasonably expect a number of years before succession becomes a more pressing issue. So, it comes down to perceived performance. That brings me back to chemo. Has it truly eroded my worth and value to the company? Does management feel that I am putting the company at risk? Am I indeed placing the company at risk? Those questions begin to chip away at my feeling of self worth and contribution and by consequence, my QoL. Most assuredly, my concern for my on the job performance will play a prime role when I decide to terminate the chemo. I know I can work longer and better without the chemo. I know confidence in me increases, while away from the chemo. I experience little discomfort, without those toxic drugs circulating in my system. I do not have a finite time frame identified, when succession planning becomes more urgent. If things progress badly, without the chemo, I understand that there will be an extended period before the cancer becomes debilitating and restrictive. The "catch" then; well, stopping chemo may suggest, to some, a need to prepare for an earlier succession. Continuing with the chemo degrades my performance. Left unchecked, this would indicate that a replacement is required, sooner than later. Either way, I am costing the company unnecessary expense due to my illness. So, chemo or no chemo, the cancer wins, while the people who continue to be so good to me pay a price that they should not need to bear.

 

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